Wonderful fights between narcissism and worthlessness

A Love Story For The Ages. As In, For Ages, Men Have Been Controlling, Abusive Assholes

on December 18, 2012

[Trigger Warning: brief mention of Twilight’s glossing over or support of abuse, pedophilia, no-exception abortion. In Twilight and this post, that exception is always the death of the mother and that particular exception alone]


I have come to Twilight through Rifftrax. Entertainment is subjective; it’s my opinion that the movies are awful to an objective level, but I’m enjoying them as a trainwreck, and if I was enjoying them as something I found genuinely compelling, I wouldn’t be so quick to defend how I came to watch the films.

However, for everything bad you’ve heard about the writing, the acting, blah blah, that pans out, everything you’ve heard about blatant metaphors and arguments for abstinence only, anti-any-abortion, Edward’s stalking and “accidental” beating because he’s just too vampire strong and the abusive qualities of Bella’s relationships with Edward and Jacob, and probably anything else you’ve heard about harmful ideas presented as great or presented uncritically is true. As an adult, I can notice it (the film does not treat the actual marriage of Edward and Bella as the “marriage” in the abstinence metaphor. Vampirism is “marriage”) and keep enjoying the spectacle and the level to which these movies should know they’re failing. That these movies are also enjoyed uncritically, and by a lot of teenagers, is disturbing, and worth actual commentary, and why I am quick to point out that I heard about these things and avoided the franchise until I saw the Rifftrax of the first movie. And… fuck, now I’ve seen all five films. God damnit.


The ridiculousity of not writing for a month for lack of inspiration to come write a Twilight retrospective is not lost on me. It’s why I knew I had to write it! I agree absolutely with my above disclaimer; there’s a lot to hate about Twilight (and the fanfic-turned-novel 50 Shades of Grey that’s apparently a direct copy, horrible moral lessons and all!) that is solid and not “You like WHAT thing I don’t like? Pssssshhhhhhhhhh.” But this is going to be a few silly paragraphs (spoiler: “paragraphs” is a goddam lie) about how ridiculous and turned up to 11 this movie franchise finale actually was. I’m assuming you have a working knowledge of the Twilight lore because if I start to try and summarize it and lay bare the “story” I will descend into insanity, at least to Breaking Dawn: PART 2 until we’re able to hire an intern to write seven more parts.


I have too many CAPS already and I love it. SO. I still feel dirty having paid to sit in a theater and watch a Twilight movie straight. I have watched all of them now (oh gods it’s setting in) but I watched the first four with Rifftrax commentary. Twilight movies really aren’t worth seeing or remotely entertaining until the Breaking Dawn two-parter, when the movies either stop giving any fucks or enough people are hired on who are in on the joke. Michael Sheen realizes how ridiculous it all is from the getgo, even though before BD he’s got 10 minutes of screen time. His character, King Evil Vampire McDracula, chews more scenery than Uma Thurman did in Batman and Robin (I feel I’m giving all these “films” way too much respect italicizing their titles) and his seizure-orgasm laugh in BDp2 basically lets the audience paying attention take a moment and say, “Oh, holy shit, he is the only character acting like he GETS THIS.” The movies throw plenty of quips out to fall on their faces, but mostly tries to play everything seriously, and that’s ridiculous enough on its own. This IS the romance of the century between a centenarian and a 17-year-old! Everything IS very important even though no one important ever dies or faces more than 12 seconds of adversity and there’s not enough total plot to carry one film, let alone five! Bella and Edward ARE love(love here being the kind from every simplistic fable we stop reading to kids at 3), but, oh, also Bella and Jake ARE love, except when they aren’t, which is always from day one, but it’s still REAL and INTENSE and Bella IS tortured! And not when she’s making throw-up faces at Edward, no, that IS love! And then Michael Sheen enters a VERY important elder vampire tribunal that is deciding if Bella should be killed or eaten or whatever, with cloaks and everything, and will not stop giggling, and basically plays Mitt Romney of the vampire world, and happily. He wants power ’cause power’s awesome, and so is evil, and so he’s Saturday morning cartoon evil while every other character tries to appear tortured while having the emotional range of a coma patient (which I blame entirely on directing while everyone else seems to blame it all on K-Stew). And that is why Arro is a better character than The Joker.

That’s already way too many words about Twilight, but let’s keep going: it’s ridiculous enough that this franchise, so obsessed with being the modern-day Shakespeare, is more on par with the depth of See Spot Run, but from the first Twilight movie, the amount of plot keeps steadily decreasing. Thinking back, I have to admit, the first film kindof starts out okay if simplistic. Bella moves to a new town, meets new people, and then meets THE boy (with Robert Pattison’s only showing of good acting in all of the movies somehow being used to appear as though the stomach flu JUST hit when he first sees Bella), there’s the completely obvious “He’s a vampire dummy” mystery, then vampire family, then RIVAL vampire family, and it’s sparse and uninteresting, but, plot and event progression. Then the movie just dwells for an hour culminating with a 2-minute vampire fight followed by PROM. Yep. So it’s so unaware it bleeds irony from the getgo, but there was kindof plot. Okay.

Movie 2 (fuck titles): Bella feels old at 18 because she isn’t immortal. Dwell on that for five minutes then drop it so Edward can suddenly dump Bella after she gets a papercut and some vampire gets a little too hungry. So she mopes then hangs out with Jacob, but one of the evil vampires from movie 1 is hunting her (and since Edward left she’s in actual danger)! That’s 80% of the second movie. That’s the “plot.” And it’s all a shallower rehash of movie 1 (Jacob has a vampire WEREWOLF secret. Bella is conflicted about her feelings for Edward Jacob Edward? Evil EVIL vampire!) Then 10 minutes of rushed plot with Edward suicide and the Volturi out of nowhere and marriage proposal. Or was that the end of the third one? Who knows. All this shit’s the same.

Movie 3: See above. Drop the Edward drama, drop the Volturi, have the same evil vampire build an army but ultimately have that be a 1-minute fight. Have less plot still somehow stretched over two hours and have the same Jacob drama as the last film despite the fact Bella’s engaged the entire time.

BDp1: Open with a wedding, with ten minutes where you’re convinced the filmmakers finally get it and are in on the joke. Everyone including the groom gives a toast, Billy Burke gruff dads the gruffiest dad moments of the franchise as he threatens to shoot his son-in-law, and Jacob is pissed that he still hasn’t caught on to plot points established by minute 6 of movie 2. Then have no plot for an hour and a half. They go on honeymoon; an hour later Bella throws up chicken that could easily have been undercooked but no whoops she knew she was actually morning sick. Then in the last twenty minutes have a whirlwind tour of CHILD NOT FETUS, BELLA SHOULD DIE FOR THE CHILD WHO IS A CHILD AND HER LIFE DOESN”T MATTER, Bella looking disturbingly emaciated but it’s just her CHILD NOT FETUS killing her, blood slurpies, Edward giving a C-section with his mouth, Jacob imprinting on an infant, Jacob imprinted on an infant, JACOB HAD UNCONTROLLABLE FEELINGS OF LOVE TOWARDS A LITERAL 10-MINUTE-OLD BABY, Bella dying, then back to life, and the second she opens her vampire eyes, movie over.

BDp2: Plot-wise? Bella’s a vampire. Then an actual all-out fight. Then SURPRISE (more below, I just, oh man, it’s the best and only good part of the entire series). Then movie over. There are basically two plot points to the finale of a five-part movie series. Which, again, I can’t believe that any major studio mega-blockbuster franchise could be THIS unaware, but I have to. But I have to admit, while BDp1 was interesting-ridiculous enough to maybe watch without Rifftrax or friends to mock with, BDp2 is actually chockful of unwitting comedy that it might be to the level of The Room. Even THAT… The Room didn’t take four installments of mind-numbing setup for such a great payoff, but given that I watched this franchise as Rifftrax presents: Twilight, the redemption of an actual society-setback-inducing movie series is just that much sweeter. The highlights as I was watching:

    • Most of what has been said about Kristen Stewart’s acting in these movies is true, although it ignores that every character is a one-dimensional monotone person-like automaton and K-Stew’s Bella is literally no different from anyone else. But at the outset, for the first 20 minutes? She acts. She acts giddy about being able to basically fly and fuck rocks up (she’s also the strongest as a newborn vampire and arm-wrestles the dumb jock stereotype vampire), then out of control with hunger (albeit it’s a complete 180 the second Edward mentions hunger that is dropped forever after one scene), then gets well-acted pissed at Jacob for imprinting on her daughter, and then gets pissed a second time, and then drops right back to the acting level of “I’m taking a nap.” It’s nice when it’s there and genuinely surprising, but it’s quick and fleeting

    • Seriously, Jacob “imprinting”: the movie introduces it as werewolf super dating, and nothing else. And then Jacob imprints on an infant. And then you vomit and have an extreme unease, as you should. And he gives no defense besides a weak “it’s not like that” because he can’t; the movie presents it in no other light than “super love” and just basically drops it as a concern until he’s 100% not just 90% onboard to fuck at the end of the movie. It’s literally worse than “I’m an 8,000 year old demon in a 12 year old anime girl” as presented because Twilight does the opposite: Reneesme ages super-quick, so she’ll be physically 25 when she’s mentally 3. HOLY FUCK. And it is just glossed over because despite being hilariously bad as movies Twilight is also morally reprehensible and tries to present so many awful moral ideas you’d think it ran Republican in November.

    • And the worst part? While it’d be such bullshit, he could have defused Bella’s anger immediately by saying “You love your dad. Would you fuck your dad?” He would be a lying pedophile not being addressed AT ALL by the movie still, but it’d be a sensible response from a total shit-mound

    • They get a house as a present, fuck in it (oh but Edward makes it out without bruises even though he’s now “weaker!”) and then just stay at the Cullen house that worked for every other movie. Was this product placement for Walmart’s entire furniture division?

    • Jacob eschewing the fact that pants are torn off during wolf transformations and magically reappear for four films to FINALLY get naked sensibly… in front of Billy Burke so he can gruff dad as he is literally presented with an 18-year-old getting naked in front of him and then immediately turning into a gigantic wolf. Billy Burke is now unable to have any form of healthy relationship sexually or otherwise

    • Above scene is set up to keep Bella from moving, but it makes no sense to do that except show what a complete selfish prick Jacob is. Bella tells Billy Burke, who knows she’s also different but not a werewolf but what the FUCK?, to not worry about that very legitimate question as to what his daughter is and if she’s safe, and he does, after feeling how cold she is but eh that’s not WEREWOLF weird, basically figures out she has a baby, not a niece, and then mentions none of it again. That includes two more scenes with Edward, Bella, and the wolf that got naked in front of him, with a suprise fishing trip that is an obvious ploy to get rid of him (by Bella and by the movie that is too lazy to use him for… uh… dr- draaaamatic tension?)

    • Every vampire recruited is an amazingly offensive stereotype. This is a major movie series; I understand (although lividly hate) why Christopher Nolan got to whitewash Bane and not get called on it, but HOW is Twilight able to set back US-Amazon relations so easily? And usurp the Lucky Charms Leprechaun as “Most stereotyped Irish character” three times over?

    • THE FIGHT. Is actually pretty great. Twilight never explains what the fuck with vampire superpowers, basically because how do you present the culmination of three 5-year-olds inventing superpowers as serious, but they work for the megafight given it’d just be vampire punching otherwise

    • FIGHT special mentions:

      • I fucking love Michael Sheen

      • Second mention for his evil/legitimate on-set absurdity recognition/climaxing mega-giggle. Best moment of the movie

      • The CGI reaches a new low with Carmichael’s head

      • Dakota Fanning plays the least emotional vampire in a sea of vampires who would show more emotion if they looked around when someone sneezed, but BDp2 does well with that by dropping it suddenly. That strategy does work though, both when she throws a vampire toddler into a fire with a smile and when she realizes her power is being blocked and she’s straight fucked and she loses it (which is genuine “oh shit” face and then running, but still, it’s good payoff)

      • Cameron Bright is now an adult and still playing hyper-creepy children basically

      • Never dig ANYWHERE in Washington state; lava is literally fifty feet underground

      • SURPRISE! IT WAS ALL A DREAM! They did it! They actually did it! It feels amazing to laugh so completely =D

      • I was laughing pretty regularly throughout the film, but I started getting shushed before THE FIGHT and throughout it by someone (although I wasn’t the only giggler, there were only 10 people max and I was leading) But the second the movie revealed “We let one thing happen in this 2-hour movie. Oh, whoops! Our bad! DREAM SEQUENCE” everybody lost it and I didn’t hear any shushes after that. It was bonus entertainment to hear someone no longer be able to carry the delusion of, “No, this is a GREAT movie! Five scenes of a child touching a face exactly the same way are great!”

    • Jacob literally jokes, “So, can I start calling you Dad?” and then Reneesme rounds a corner still very much an 8-year-old, IMMEDIATELY after a reference to JacobxRenessme, and I became legitimately disturbed thinking about what kind of person would laugh at that “joke”

    • Realizing that the entire franchise is built around a 120-year-old dating a 17-year-old and has been a moral shitheap housing pedophiles that needs burned since day one

    • By “practicing,” Bella gains the power of MOVIE MONTAGE. She then lays bare the cruel joke that is Twilight by pretty accurately summing up everything that happens in the entire franchise in under a minute (including having no moments from the third film, the Twilight movie that was lazy by Twilight standards). She then uses the power for the end credits, the end! Also Jacob is dating Reneesme The End! *bleurghl*

Holy shit that’s a lot of words about Twilight. I now feel clinically embarrassed and need to leave. I’m… I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.



(The Rifftrax are great, but I have seen every Twilight movie and know the three-sentence plot and that’s way too much to handle. Don’t see this movie and make sure anyone you know who enjoys it doesn’t vote for no-exception abortion)


One response to “A Love Story For The Ages. As In, For Ages, Men Have Been Controlling, Abusive Assholes

  1. Tea Currency The ∞th says:

    ☃☚ (wolf inscribes on baby, buys edward “doodlebear” as joke)

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